Check On Your Friends

I am not like anyone else. I think that’s been established a while ago in previous posts I’ve made. Sometimes I think that’s a good thing while a lot of times it doesn’t seem so great. It’s hard for me to think or feel like others. Right now, shit has been happening in my life that I should feel something but I don’t. I’m good. I’m ok. And I’m not just saying that. Yeah, I’ve had a few moments of not being completely ok but overall, I’m doing good.

I apologized the other day to a friend of mine for everything. Today, I’m asking myself “Why?” Why did I apologize for trying to be like everyone else? I should apologize, really. I was trying so hard to be like everyone else and it caused me to become angry with myself. I’m not one to pretend to be someone I’m not. Yeah, I’m all over the place a lot anyway because I see both sides of things. I understand both sides and can have an arguement for both but I tend to lean one way or another. Then I change my mind. Change is the only constant in life and it’s something I embrace. Pretending, or trying, to be like everyone else is actually doing a disservice, not only to myself, but to those around me.

I was trying to be weak and vulnerable. Something I know I am far from. I was trying to find the emotions that I should be feeling. I was attempting to lean on someone for support. Support is always good but not when I’m trying so hard to be something I’m not. All that did was make me angry. Angry at myself for not being honest with myself and trying to conform to what people think I should be or should feel. I am not weak. I am not vulnerable. I’m very strong and have pulled myself through a lot of shit in my life.

I was trying so hard to not be strong. I tried but it didn’t work because I am strong. I know what I need to do. I am not like everyone else. To try to be anything but myself is being untruthful with myself as well as everyone else. I can’t lie and I never really have been able to.

Today I realized that it’s ok to not fit in. It’s ok to not be like everyone else. What I bring to the table is what the world needs more of. I have never conformed to society norms anyway, so why did I think I should start now? I am happy with who I am. I love myself. I am proud of who I am. Why the fuck did I want to change that? I know why.

Strong people don’t have people asking them if they are ok. Strong people don’t have people act like they love or care about them. Just because I’m strong and can get myself through the shit that breaks everyone else doesn’t mean I don’t still need a basic human need which is feeling like someone gives a shit about me and the situation. I might be strong but that doesn’t mean I don’t want or need someone to check on me too. I might not be weak and vulnverable but I still need someone to make me feel like they have my back. I still need to know I have support. I still fall. It just doesn’t take me forever to bounce back. I can fall and pick myself up immediately. That doesn’t mean there aren’t times that are more difficult to stand back up and I need someone to be there to help me rise again.

It might seem like I’m too good to be true most of the time. I’m someone that isn’t real. I get pushed away and, because of my strength and not really knowing how to allow someone to help me, I push others away too. I know I unconsciously test people to see if they will be there anyway, pushing back at me. Not allowing me to push them away. I used to fight for others to stay in my life. The unfortunate thing, no one has ever fought to keep me in their lives. Not a single person has. I have given up fighting for others. I don’t chase anyone anymore. Why, when no one cares or loves me enough to do the same? Even with these little tests I have found people are so comfortable walking away without thinking twice and leaving me out to dry. During a really bad time in my life, no one has stepped up to make sure I’m doing ok. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. I don’t want sympathy. I want real. I want truth. No fake bullshit.

Without people who are different from everyone else, the world would not be what it is today. The world needs people like me. People who don’t conform to what is considered normal. I know other people think I’m completely fucked up. I am fully aware of this. But without me giving a shit and actually caring as much as I do, I wouldn’t be me. Yeah, it might seem like a bit much but when you’ve gone through as much fucking shit as I have, you understand what it’s like to not have somone give a shit about you. It makes you want to give it, show it, ten times more to others because once you’ve been without something, you understand what it’s like to be in their position. I could let everything make me cold and bitter and hateful and not care about anyone or anything, but that’s not me. I have allowed myself to become more compassionate, understanding, loving, caring. That might make me vulnerable to other people treating me like shit but it says a hell of a lot more about them than it does me. I will never let the fucking bullshit of the world tear me down.

I am better than that. I am stronger than that. I have a good heart and that’s just one part of me. I am not too good to be true. I am me and that means I am a decent person who gives a shit, a lot of shit, about others. I care. I give a damn. I am not some cold hearted bitch with an asshole attitude. I’ve been told I need to be more of an asshole but that means changing who I am, completely. I would never do that. I am who I am and if being myself is too much or you are thinking I’m just pretending to be someone/something I’m not, well, that’s your problem. I have tried to pretend to be someone I’m not and I couldn’t do it. What you see is what you get with me. I learn. I grow. I change. It’s a part of what life is about.

Just remember that the people who aren’t “normal” and are different from everyone else still need what everyone else does. I might be strong as fuck but I still want/need someone to check up on me to make sure I’m doing ok. Especially when you know I’m going through something that would break someone else down into a million pieces. I never thought asking friends to care about me and be there for me was too much to ask but I guess that’s the kind of world we live in now.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone would notice that I’m not ok. I wonder if they would even care. Sometimes I wonder if anyone would notice if I disappeared. I wonder whether they would care. It’s sad isn’t it? Someone actually wonders about these things. The person who wonders about these things isn’t the weak one in our lives, but the strongest person we know. No one should ever have to wonder if anyone cares enough, they should know. Check on your friends, especially the strong ones and push them to tell you the truth. Let them know that even though they say they are ok, if you don’t feel they are, tell them. Say it. “I know you say you are ok but I feel like you aren’t and I want you to know that I’m here for you.” It’s really that simple. And actually be there for them, don’t just say it.

To all my friends, the strong, the weak, the vulnerable, the in-between, I see you, and I am here for you. It’s ok to not be ok. I will walk beside you through whatever troubles you are going through. You are not alone and I care about you. I love you and care about you and I have your back!