Category Archives: Randomness

Wow! Just Wow.

It’s almost been a month since I packed up and left Chicago to live in Colorado. If you would’ve told me a year ago that my life was going to be amazing, I would not have believed it. I have not had an easy road getting to this point but I’m glad I stuck by my own side and pushed through.

Anyone who has felt hopeless, and not able to see the light at the proverbial tunnel, I get it. I’ve been there. And it wasn’t just a bad day, or a week, month, or year. We’re talking years. From a bad marriage to bad relationships to people I care about dying and having to put one of my dogs down right after a bad break up. Yeah, I have had a lot of rough and tough times. Many of which, I had wished at the time, I could just escape. I have been very honest about myself and this is no different.

During my years of hell, I had many times I just wanted to end it all. I saw no end in sight. I felt hopeless. I didn’t think my life would ever get better or “go my way” as so many of us put it. But let me tell you something, I am living proof that it does get better. After wanting to kill myself for what was about the 5-6 time, I knew something had to change. And I knew that change was me and my situation. I have always been pretty spiritual and even last year was more so than ever before. But, it wasn’t some miracle that I kept from ending my life. It was me, fighting for myself. It took every ounce of strength and positivity to pull myself out of it. I meditated a lot. I was searching for answers. And I finally got the message I needed to start healing and living my life my way. Suicide is in our genetic make up. It’s predispositioned in our cellular make up. The only way to end the cycle is to not go through with it, which I hadn’t and it was after wanting to that I found this information. This allowed me to have direction. I knew what I needed to do. I needed to heal myself spiritually which will in turn heal me physically, emotionally, mentally. So, that’s why I did. I started to heal in everyway.

Everything from my past, I am so very grateful for. Every last bit of it. You might think I’m crazy but I wouldn’t change any of it for anything. The reason being, I wouldn’t be who and where I am today if even one tiny piece of my past was different. And today, I am not creating dreams that I hope will come true one day, I’m living my dreams.

I moved to Colorado almost a month ago and immediately felt like I was home. I have had a few rough patches already but I’m stayed positive and pushed through it. Just like pushing through all the negativity and difficult times of wanting to kill myself, I have come out of it. It was a lot easier this time because I am good with myself. I am good with my life. I am taking every day and living for each moment. I am grateful to be where I am at. I came out here not really having any idea of where I was really headed. I had a job waiting and a place to stay (which I am forever grateful for) but other than that, I said I would figure things out once I get here. Well, I’m here and it’s taken a little less than a month to figure it out. I know where I want to be and know where I want my life to go. This is my rainbow at the end of my long and treacherous storm that almost took my life from me.

It may have been a long and hellish road to get here but I made it. I am not the same person I used to be. I have learned, grown, healed, and found out who I am and what I am made of. Nothing in this life happens by chance, it happens for a reason. We may not know or be able to see that reason or reasons right away but after time has passed, we can look back and say, “I get it now”. Everything has led me to where I am meant to be. I wanted to end my life so I could be free from the hurt and the pain but that wasn’t the freedom I needed. Now, I can honestly say, I am free!

I stuck with my life and I found my rainbow. I have been riding that slide like a boss! Life is hard. It breaks you down; chews you up and spits you out. Life isn’t easy. It’s a roller coaster you want to get off of a lot of times but I’m here to tell you, it’s not worth it. It’s worth staying buckled in and riding it. Even when it doesn’t seem like the lows won’t turn into highs it only lowers, believe me, the highs are coming. But you have to look within for change and guidence if you want the outer to change too. Your rainbow and freedom are waiting for you to, and not in the after life, it’s right here!

Happiness

I spent the weekend in Denver and the surrounding areas. I am going to be moving out there in a few weeks, job or no job. That doesn’t matter to me anymore. My own happiness is what matters. And it’s priceless. But, there is one thing I have learned from all of this. The people I am surrounded by, my family and friends, are very unhappy and miserable. Let me explain how I know this.

When you are happy with yourself, your life, the people in your life, you don’t keep trying to find more materialistic things. You don’t set out to find happiness in things. You start seeing happiness in everything and you don’t require anything to make you happy. You can’t take your car, your house, your money, your big screen TV, etc with you when you die. But, you can leave this realm with knowledge, experiences, love, understanding, and happiness. When you are truly happy, you don’t care about a job, a paycheck, a car, a house, a phone, etc. What you do care about is yourself, experiences, the people you surround yourself with, living every moment like it’s your last, loving with all you have without expectations, growing, learning, and being free to be yourself and do those things which bring joy into you and your life. 

When  you aren’t happy, you focus on things. You focus on the next car, the next house and making sure it’s bigger and better than the current one, how much money you have in the bank, looking for a better job (although this can also be a sign of happiness, it just depends on if you are actually truly happy doing what you’re doing in the first place), getting a bigger TV, making big purchases, etc. All things which are temporary and don’t actually do anything to make you happy. True happiness can’t be bought because it comes from within yourself. This is why so many people can’t figure out why that new regridgerator or TV or sound system or car doesn’t make them happy after a month and it now is just an added expense so they now don’t like those things and they are back to feeling unhappy and miserable again. If you want to be truly happy, then stop focusing your attention on things and focus it on yourself. 

I know I am surrounded by a lot of very unhappy people. I just want them all to know that instead of chasing after things that only have a temporary happiness attached to them, why not just do what makes you happy, even if it means sticking with the car, job, pay, TV, etc you already have and see what happens. Surround yourself with people you enjoy being around and who make life enjoyable because leaving those people will be the hardest thing you could ever do. I know, I am going through that right now. I know they will always have my back and maybe someday, their true happiness will bring them to the same physical location as myself. It hurts me to see people I love and care about not being happy. So I write this for all of you because I love and care about all of you and just want you to find peace and happiness.

I also know that by living in your head all the time does not work. You have to clear the garbage your brain is saying, out, and let your true self in. The brain and your instinct (or true self) are not usually on the same page. Clear out the brain noise and it will be quiet enough to hear what it is that will make you truly happy. The brain is not true to you. It plays games and messes with you. That’s why it’s sometimes hard to make decisions. But your true self will always know the right thing and what you need or want. Liste  to it. It’s not going to steer you wrong. Afterall, it is you, not your brain giving you the answers. Connect with yourself and find out what you really want or need. I, myself, have given up a lot of great opportunities, both job and personal wise. It sucks but knowing how happy I am and by not taking those opportunities, I know for a fact, I would not be where I am today. I would not be the amazing and incredible person I have turned into, if it wasn’t for passing up those chances. Sometimes I do feel like I made a bad decision but then I look at where I am at and the experiences I have had since, and I know I made the best decision of my life passing it up. Sometimes what seems like a great opportunity isn’t the great opportunity but what happens after it that turns out to be the greatest opportunity of all.

Live Like It’s Your Last Day

So, I was watching a show and it triggered my little brain into deep thinking. It really doesn’t take much. Anyway, it got me thinking about life and why so many people sit on the sidelines of their own lives, just watching life pass by. This is what goes through my head.

You can live life one of two ways:

1. You can sit back and watch it pass by with nothing really going on. Just day to day, same old stuff. Wishing you were out doing something that you heard or saw someone else do. Or……

2. You can go out and live each day like you won’t get another one. Go out and do the things that you love to do, want to do, or just feel like doing for the hell of it. Do what makes you happy. 

Another day is not guaranteed. Living everyday as though it’s your last, in my opinion, is the only real option we have because today may just be your last. Don’t be there about to die regretting not doing enough, not loving more, etc. Don’t die wondering what could’ve been, might have been or should have been. Don’t live your life thinking about the what ifs in life and just go out and do it. There are endless possibilities in life if you open yourself up to them.

Love more and harder. Why be scared of something wonderful? Why? Because if it doesn’t work out you’ll be hurt? But why risk losing love in any form? In a world full of hate, why not open yourself up to love and let it in? 

Taking chances opens up opportunities and allows us to learn and grow. If we sit back and are too afraid of what might be (in a negative sense) we can lose out on some pretty amazing experiences and people. Fear of pain is what stops so many of us. When you can clear yourself of the negatives associated with fear and pain, you can live freely. You open your life up to endless possibilities. And that, that’s the real secret to life. Letting go of the fears, pain, negative ways of thinking. Stop limiting yourself to what you want or think you can do. Go out and just do it! Make it happen for yourself. It will be worth it, no matter what the outcome. 

Peru – 1 Week To Go

Ah yes, Peru. It is upon me. I knew it would sneak up on me quickly and it has. I’ve had since August to prepare but there is nothing like the last minute of getting everything ready to go to make you feel like you’ve lost your mind. At least I got the recommended shots out of the way. A few weeks ago……and a few days ago.

A trip for me. It’s all about me. And it’s the best thing ever! 12 days away from the U.S.A. and all the modernization we have to go on vacation away from, well everything. I’ll be staying in the Amazon. Without air conditioning. With the highs in the high 80s. And lots of humidity. My room has a ceiling fan. I have a feeling I will be losing about 5 pounds in just those 3 days, just in my sleep. And we will see how the food and I get along. The photos I’ve seen of the local guinea pig dish scares me. It looks like something out of the “Gremlins” movie. But, I am willing to try it. I might have to eat it fast so the demon doesn’t eat me first though. I’m willing to try anything and everything, unless it might make me sick of course, while I’m there. No expectations and just live in the moments of every day I get to spend in Peru. I’m so ready for this!

Musical Inspiration

Here are some songs that I have related to in some way or have given me inspiration. These are the lyrics and all credits are provided with each song. 

Continue reading Musical Inspiration

Still Standing

I have been through a lot of shit. I have been abused mentally, physically, and emotionally. Verbally/emotionally is probably the hardest I’ve endured because it cuts to the core. Physically, the wounds heal, you move on. Emotionally, the wounds never quite heal the way they should. But for me, it has made me stronger. I am built tougher than anyone. Sure, I cry quite a bit but that doesn’t make me emotionally weak. On the contrary, it’s what keeps me strong.  Continue reading Still Standing

Run & Hide vs Stay & Strength

“You can accept or reject the way you are treated by other people, but until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them”. – Iyanla Vanzant
I know a lot of people who run and hide from life, from themselves. They run to a bottle, drugs, negative people because it takes away the problems or feelings for a minute. Makes them feel good for a second. They turn to substance or negative people to bury their problems. The problem with that, is the problems don’t go away, they just get bigger and keep adding  up. The more problems, the more drugs, drinking, relying on other negative people to make it go away. You can’t just brush something under the rug because you don’t want to deal with it. That’s a big sign of not only weakness but  you don’t know who you are.

Continue reading Run & Hide vs Stay & Strength