So many people hide their true selves behind an imaginary mask. I used to be that way. Being a lesbian, and knowing it at a young age, you hide and pretend to be someone or something you aren’t. It’s strictly based on how society views each other, really.
Things in my life are finally starting to get back to what they were before the week of Thanksgiving. The week of Thanksgiving was a not so great week and ever since then, things went from bad to worse. But now, the tides are changing back. Thank goodness. I’ve been laying low due to people talking shit about me(and yes, I know who they are and even set them up and they have no clue) and it seems to have helped me in more than one way.
Wow!! What a year it has been! So many amazing happenings. It didn’t start off so great and it’s not ending on the greatest note, but that’s ok. Not every day is going to be awesome.
Just some thoughts that came into my brain. You all know me, I get a thought and I just write it out. It’s been a while since I’ve written anything so it was just a matter of time. For all you romantics out there, here you go.
Life is like a curb that comes out of no where. You’re just walking along, doing your thing and the next thing you know, you are stepping off the curb. It’s never an easy step either, it’s a jolt you weren’t expecting. Same thing with life. One minute you are doing your thing and the next, a jolt shakes you. It doesn’t even have to be anything big, a curb is what, 6″ and that feels like a 100′ cliff sometimes.
I’m a pretty happy, positive and upbeat person in general. But every once in a while, ok ok, almost once or twice a month, life reminds me I’m still human. I have what I am starting to call human moments. You know those moments I’m talking about. When things might not be going totally as you want but you end up all emotional cray cray instead of just rolling with it, like you usually do. Normally you’d be all “Oh well, just gonna go with it and see what happens” but your emotions have a different plan and go all emotional on your ass to the point even you tell yourself to stop it and to get your shit together! Yeah, those human moments.
I decided to call those moments human moments for a reason. I have come to the conclusion that these moments are the Universe’s way of saying “Hey Spirit being in the body named T, you are still human, remember?!” So, it sends me these reminders that even though I am a Spirit and Universal energy, I am in a human body that has human feelings and emotions. I have learned from this, that, it’s ok. It’s ok to go through the moments. We have to. It’s all part of the process. I have also learned that you need to let the emotions in. You need to feel them and sit in them for a moment. But you also have to keep from staying in them. Feel them. Let them sit. Then let them go. It’s been working for me so far. Especially when I give myself a pep talk during it and saying “What the fuck is wrong with you?! This is not you! Pull yourself together already, would ya?!” That seems to do the trick.
Human moments aren’t bad. They are lessons. They are apart of life. Let them come in. Then let those bitches go!
It’s funny how much things can change and how fast. Just a year ago I was in a very bad place. I didn’t care to live anymore. I was getting over a breakup and life just seemed so dark and hopeless. I didn’t think I could get out of it. I had hit the lowest of lows and found myself contemplating suicide. The breakup sent me into a very hard and fast downward spiral. Somehow. Someway, I found a way to bounce back, just like everytime before. I thank the Universe and all the higher beings for helping me get through those times because there is no way I did that alone. Don’t get me wrong, I’m strong as hell but even I know I had help.
That brings me to the present. I moved to Colorado a little over a month ago. I didn’t have a plan in place and have been winging it. No expectations. No plans. Just do what feels right at the time. And you know what? It has been the best thing I have ever done. Making the decision and putting it into action has been the best best for me. I finally feel like I’m home. I finally feel like I belong. I am meeting some really cool people and have made amazing friends. I have found peace within and with my life. I am finally living my way. I have this sense of freedom which has given me a calmness I’ve never known before. I am doing more than I have ever done in Chicago. Everyday is a journey. I am being me. I am doing my thing, even though I don’t know what exactly that is, but I’m doing it. It’s ok to not know what it is because it’s anything and everything.
I have been having such a great time and enjoying life. I am going out and doing things alone, with friends, with my dog. It doesn’t matter who I’m with or without, although I have to say, I have some amazing people in my life who I really enjoy their company and love being around so it’s always nice to do things with them. I am doing things I never felt comfortable doing back in Chicago. I just got home from being downtown alone. It’s at night but I have no fear of being alone downtown. I have pretty damn good intuition so if I ever felt like I wasn’t safe, you know I would find a way to be safe. I am continuing to learn and grow. I am better than I have ever been and each day I get better. Everyday has brought me new experiences, learning, growing, freedom. I love being me and being alone with my dog. But, that doesn’t mean I don’t want a girlfriend at some point. Seems like the girls like me around here. For me, it’s a matter of taking my time, getting to know someone and letting things develop as they are meant to. Hell, I am so laid back and chill now that if it came along now, I think I’d be good with it. But, things will happen as they are meant to and I’m perfectly good with that. I am strong enough to know I don’t need someone but that doesn’t mean I don’t want someone special in my life, just maybe not right now, or maybe now. Who knows what will come my way in a few days, weeks, or months. I’m in a new place physically, emotionally, spiritually, in ever way and it’s been awesome.
Life is beautiful. I found my unicorn and have finally been able to ride it over the rainbow! I know it’s cheesey but I don’t care. I made it through the worst storms of my life and get to enjoy the sun and rainbows that follow. Life is amazing when you set yourself free!
It’s almost been a month since I packed up and left Chicago to live in Colorado. If you would’ve told me a year ago that my life was going to be amazing, I would not have believed it. I have not had an easy road getting to this point but I’m glad I stuck by my own side and pushed through.
Anyone who has felt hopeless, and not able to see the light at the proverbial tunnel, I get it. I’ve been there. And it wasn’t just a bad day, or a week, month, or year. We’re talking years. From a bad marriage to bad relationships to people I care about dying and having to put one of my dogs down right after a bad break up. Yeah, I have had a lot of rough and tough times. Many of which, I had wished at the time, I could just escape. I have been very honest about myself and this is no different.
During my years of hell, I had many times I just wanted to end it all. I saw no end in sight. I felt hopeless. I didn’t think my life would ever get better or “go my way” as so many of us put it. But let me tell you something, I am living proof that it does get better. After wanting to kill myself for what was about the 5-6 time, I knew something had to change. And I knew that change was me and my situation. I have always been pretty spiritual and even last year was more so than ever before. But, it wasn’t some miracle that I kept from ending my life. It was me, fighting for myself. It took every ounce of strength and positivity to pull myself out of it. I meditated a lot. I was searching for answers. And I finally got the message I needed to start healing and living my life my way. Suicide is in our genetic make up. It’s predispositioned in our cellular make up. The only way to end the cycle is to not go through with it, which I hadn’t and it was after wanting to that I found this information. This allowed me to have direction. I knew what I needed to do. I needed to heal myself spiritually which will in turn heal me physically, emotionally, mentally. So, that’s why I did. I started to heal in everyway.
Everything from my past, I am so very grateful for. Every last bit of it. You might think I’m crazy but I wouldn’t change any of it for anything. The reason being, I wouldn’t be who and where I am today if even one tiny piece of my past was different. And today, I am not creating dreams that I hope will come true one day, I’m living my dreams.
I moved to Colorado almost a month ago and immediately felt like I was home. I have had a few rough patches already but I’m stayed positive and pushed through it. Just like pushing through all the negativity and difficult times of wanting to kill myself, I have come out of it. It was a lot easier this time because I am good with myself. I am good with my life. I am taking every day and living for each moment. I am grateful to be where I am at. I came out here not really having any idea of where I was really headed. I had a job waiting and a place to stay (which I am forever grateful for) but other than that, I said I would figure things out once I get here. Well, I’m here and it’s taken a little less than a month to figure it out. I know where I want to be and know where I want my life to go. This is my rainbow at the end of my long and treacherous storm that almost took my life from me.
It may have been a long and hellish road to get here but I made it. I am not the same person I used to be. I have learned, grown, healed, and found out who I am and what I am made of. Nothing in this life happens by chance, it happens for a reason. We may not know or be able to see that reason or reasons right away but after time has passed, we can look back and say, “I get it now”. Everything has led me to where I am meant to be. I wanted to end my life so I could be free from the hurt and the pain but that wasn’t the freedom I needed. Now, I can honestly say, I am free!
I stuck with my life and I found my rainbow. I have been riding that slide like a boss! Life is hard. It breaks you down; chews you up and spits you out. Life isn’t easy. It’s a roller coaster you want to get off of a lot of times but I’m here to tell you, it’s not worth it. It’s worth staying buckled in and riding it. Even when it doesn’t seem like the lows won’t turn into highs it only lowers, believe me, the highs are coming. But you have to look within for change and guidence if you want the outer to change too. Your rainbow and freedom are waiting for you to, and not in the after life, it’s right here!