It’s almost been a month since I packed up and left Chicago to live in Colorado. If you would’ve told me a year ago that my life was going to be amazing, I would not have believed it. I have not had an easy road getting to this point but I’m glad I stuck by my own side and pushed through.
Anyone who has felt hopeless, and not able to see the light at the proverbial tunnel, I get it. I’ve been there. And it wasn’t just a bad day, or a week, month, or year. We’re talking years. From a bad marriage to bad relationships to people I care about dying and having to put one of my dogs down right after a bad break up. Yeah, I have had a lot of rough and tough times. Many of which, I had wished at the time, I could just escape. I have been very honest about myself and this is no different.
During my years of hell, I had many times I just wanted to end it all. I saw no end in sight. I felt hopeless. I didn’t think my life would ever get better or “go my way” as so many of us put it. But let me tell you something, I am living proof that it does get better. After wanting to kill myself for what was about the 5-6 time, I knew something had to change. And I knew that change was me and my situation. I have always been pretty spiritual and even last year was more so than ever before. But, it wasn’t some miracle that I kept from ending my life. It was me, fighting for myself. It took every ounce of strength and positivity to pull myself out of it. I meditated a lot. I was searching for answers. And I finally got the message I needed to start healing and living my life my way. Suicide is in our genetic make up. It’s predispositioned in our cellular make up. The only way to end the cycle is to not go through with it, which I hadn’t and it was after wanting to that I found this information. This allowed me to have direction. I knew what I needed to do. I needed to heal myself spiritually which will in turn heal me physically, emotionally, mentally. So, that’s why I did. I started to heal in everyway.
Everything from my past, I am so very grateful for. Every last bit of it. You might think I’m crazy but I wouldn’t change any of it for anything. The reason being, I wouldn’t be who and where I am today if even one tiny piece of my past was different. And today, I am not creating dreams that I hope will come true one day, I’m living my dreams.
I moved to Colorado almost a month ago and immediately felt like I was home. I have had a few rough patches already but I’m stayed positive and pushed through it. Just like pushing through all the negativity and difficult times of wanting to kill myself, I have come out of it. It was a lot easier this time because I am good with myself. I am good with my life. I am taking every day and living for each moment. I am grateful to be where I am at. I came out here not really having any idea of where I was really headed. I had a job waiting and a place to stay (which I am forever grateful for) but other than that, I said I would figure things out once I get here. Well, I’m here and it’s taken a little less than a month to figure it out. I know where I want to be and know where I want my life to go. This is my rainbow at the end of my long and treacherous storm that almost took my life from me.
It may have been a long and hellish road to get here but I made it. I am not the same person I used to be. I have learned, grown, healed, and found out who I am and what I am made of. Nothing in this life happens by chance, it happens for a reason. We may not know or be able to see that reason or reasons right away but after time has passed, we can look back and say, “I get it now”. Everything has led me to where I am meant to be. I wanted to end my life so I could be free from the hurt and the pain but that wasn’t the freedom I needed. Now, I can honestly say, I am free!
I stuck with my life and I found my rainbow. I have been riding that slide like a boss! Life is hard. It breaks you down; chews you up and spits you out. Life isn’t easy. It’s a roller coaster you want to get off of a lot of times but I’m here to tell you, it’s not worth it. It’s worth staying buckled in and riding it. Even when it doesn’t seem like the lows won’t turn into highs it only lowers, believe me, the highs are coming. But you have to look within for change and guidence if you want the outer to change too. Your rainbow and freedom are waiting for you to, and not in the after life, it’s right here!