Ah, my first blog post. What better way to start off than talking about myself. After all, this is my blog and should be all about me. The title is “My Life as I Live It”. So here’s the deal. I was going to write a book. I had thought about blogging before the book because it seems like a much better way for me to write. I don’t typically write long and boring crap. I usually write short little blurbs about something, anything really. Whatever pops into my brain is what I will write about. Or, as you will find out, about my adventure called life. Believe me, it’s quite amusing and entertaining. Even I can’t help but laugh my ass off when I think back on my life and the stupid shit that seems to happen, both good and bad. I’m a deep thinker and I will put things in my blog posts that will make you think, maybe. Other times, it will just be about something that has happened or a memory I have that I find would make a good story to share. Anyway, onto me.
My first few blogs will be the chapters I had written for the book manuscript. I think it’s about six chapters. So, here we go.
When I was a kid, I always knew I was different. I never knew why but it was like I didn’t belong. I was far more advanced in maturity and the way I would see things, than other kids my age. Hell, I at times, felt too advanced in my thinking even for adults. I did seem to have more in common with parents and adults than I did with kids my own age. It never really bothered me. Well, that is, until it did. Hey, I’m human, I think, I do have moments of weakness. I had moments where I would break down and ask my mom why I didn’t have any friends. Her response was always the same, “You are more mature than they are.” That, for me, was always a good enough answer. I now, as an adult, have quite a few friends, good friends even. I never thought I would have the friends I do but I have been blessed with good people in my life. Crazy as fuck at times, but still decent people. Makes for great stories and good times though.
As a child I was always outside. I didn’t like being indoors, especially if the weather was above 70 degrees. Even now, as an adult, I prefer to be outdoors. It didn’t matter what I was doing, whether it was going for a walk, bike ride, or just sitting in the grass doing nothing, as long as I was outside I was happy and content.
Nature seems to run in my blood. I love being outside enjoying what Mother Nature has to offer. When I was a kid, I spent the summers in Nebraska with my grandparents. A few years in a row, my grandma and grandpa took one of my cousin’s and I up to one of my aunt’s cabins in the Rockies. There was one morning I woke up early (still don’t know why), before everyone else. I headed down the stairs and went over to the patio window. As I looked out, I saw a mist floating above the tall grass with the mountains as the backdrop. There was a deer, just one, grazing in the open field. Taking its time, no rush to be anywhere or do anything. There was a calmness to that morning. I guess even tranquil. It was the first time I really felt at one with nature. At the time, I was maybe ten or eleven years old.
Those times we spent at the cabin were amazing, even for a kid. We didn’t have a TV video games, except maybe a Gameboy. We had a radio and possibly a WalkMan. Yes, those were the 90s people. Early 90s at that. Bad hair, really bad clothes but great music. We did have board games and cards to play. That was enough for us. My cousin and I would spend the days outside trying to catch chipmunks anyway. I think we went up to that cabin three years in a row. Finally, the last year we went up there, we finally caught one. I remember catching it and we got all excited until we didn’t know what the hell to do. We had rigged a cardboard box to fall when the chipmunk would bump whatever. For a few years we had tried to get it right but we never thought about what we would do if we actually caught one. Well, the time had come because it happened. We looked at each other like “Well now what do we do?” We were happy and felt accomplished but now what? Like the two great people we are, we let the little guy run to freedom. What else were we going to do, keep him? Yeah, that would go over real well. “Hey grandma, look what we caught!” As grandma freaks out. Yeah, best to just let nature be with nature.
When I was about six or seven years old, my grandma on my dad’s side insisted that my sister and I get baptized. This was when I really began questioning people on things that, to me, made no sense. Imagine a six or seven year old questioning your religious beliefs because it didn’t make sense to them. I’m not talking about the infamous “But why?” phase most young kids go through. No, no, no. This is me we’re talking about and if you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m not like most people.
First of all, I was questioning why I had to wear a stupid dress to this baptism in the first place. I mean, I get that I was going to “Gods’s house” but a dress of all things, come on! I don’t remember much about this time in my life but I’m pretty sure I threw a fit about the dress. Think about it. Why does God care what I wear in church? He/She has seen my naked ass hanging out plenty of times. I’m sure anything that isn’t my birthday suit will do just fine. So, can I please not wear this dress? No, of course not. Ok then, the white frufru dress with a pink thing around it, it is. Great! And of course you want photos of this awesomely horrible day of me in a dress because who knows if it will ever happen again. Who cares about burning in hell for my sins at this point, I feel my spirit leaving my body saying “Good luck princess!” and my body going up in flames in front of everyone. A part of me died that day wearing that damn dress.
But enough about my childhood torment of clothing fiascoes. The second question that I vaguely remember posing, is one that I don’t think I ever got more than a “Because it will make grandma very happy.” answer to. And here is that question: So if getting baptized means I am being forgiven for my sins (I’m six or seven years old, what do I care about sins anyway?), it doesn’t make sense. Of course they all wanted to know why it didn’t make sense. I’m pretty sure of this because I do remember saying “If God is all knowing, all loving, and all forgiving”; let me say that again for those of you who missed it the first time, if God is ALL KNOWING, ALL LOVING, AND ALL FORGIVING, then why do I need to be baptized for my sins? First of all, He already KNOWS what sins I have and will make. He already LOVES me no matter what. And lastly, He already FORGIVES me for anything I do that isn’t so good. So why am I doing this again? Oh yeah, that’s right, because it will make someone happy who isn’t me or God. Gotcha. Pretty sure God doesn’t care and neither do I but what do I know? I’m only six or seven years old and have to do what the adults tell me to do. Ok, I’m baptized. Great! Can we move on now?
That was the first time I questioned organized religion and its purpose. It would not be the last either. Can you imagine what could possibly be going through all of the adults’ minds when I was questioning them on such a deep level? They were probably thinking, “This child is going to go up in flames as soon as we hit the steps to the church. Lord have mercy on this child’s soul!” Or maybe, “This one is going to give us problems. Maybe we should try to drown her to get the devil out of her.” I’m just making this stuff up but I’m sure the thoughts were interesting.
Besides questioning organized religion, I also questioned other things about life, or the after life. Questions like: How was I created? Or, if God created me, my spirit, then who created God? I wonder all the time about how our spirits came into fruition. How? I will never know but I’m pretty sure my spirit knows. I have also been known to question the origin of words. Like, where did the word “the” come from? I mean, it’s nothing really. It’s a filler word to make a sentence flow. But then that leads me into a question like, where did forming sentences using words come from and why do we understand what those letters together mean? And then we have different languages in which one word is spelled and sounds completely different than other languages. It’s just so weird and complicated but makes things seem so non-important but it is what it is. Anyway, this is how my brain works and you will get a lot more of this stuff from me.
Ever since I was a kid, I had two things I would say to myself, and continue to say and believe to this day. They are:
- If I can make one person laugh or smile everyday, I’ve done my job.
- I am going to change the world.
I know number two seems crazy but deep down, I have always known I am here for something big. It’s just a matter of time before it begins. Oh look, maybe the time is now. I am not about forcing anyone to believe in anything they don’t want to, you have free will. That’s what it’s about. Open yourself up to the spirit world and they them guide you. Free yourself from the leash that life has on you. We, as the human species, are being told what we want, how to think, and what to believe. Anyone who doesn’t think, or want, or believe the same way is wrong or evil. It’s time to wake up and step out of what’s acceptable or “normal” and free yourself. Our spirits are only in these bodies as a vehicle to learn and grow. We should start listening to our guides, angels, and inner selves.
I have what I call “visions”. The best example of this is something that happened about fourteen years ago. I was talking to, at the time, a friend of mine (who later became my girlfriend. Guess now would be a good time to mention I’m a lesbian.) who lived in Kentucky. We were talking online, before webcams and all that stuff. It was through dial-up connections. You youngins have no clue what that’s like. Anyway, while we were messaging, I saw her. The best way to describe how I see these “visions” is like a transparent movie that is playing out over the top of my reality. So, as I’m messaging her, I am seeing everything she’s doing. I asked her why she was sitting a certain way. Her response was “Like what?” In which I replied back with the exact way she was sitting. I also told her, in exact detail, what she was wearing. She thought I was looking through a window because I was 100% accurate with what I was describing. It seemed to me like I was looking through a window, only to later find out that where I was seeing her from, there was no window. I know, creeeeeeppppyyyyyyyyyyy. Insert creepy music.
Another example of my abilities happened when my sister was pregnant with my oldest nephew. She came into my room, like she always did, and didn’t say or do anything that would’ve had me think she was pregnant. The only thing I said to her, within a minute or two of her coming into my room was, “You’re pregnant.” She wondered how I knew and I just said I don’t know. She had just found out but apparently I found out too, in my own special way. You know, cause I’m special and all.
Other things I have known is when one of my dogs died. I felt her go. My parents were taking to have her put down but they stopped at a cemetery and my dad held her. As he was holding her, she passed away. I was at home but I knew the moment it happened. It was like a weight was lifted off of me. Almost like a sense of freedom. It was weird. Another time, when my grandpa on my mom’s side passed away, I knew it. My grandma had called and talked to my sister. I had been back in the bedroom listening to music or watching TV or whatever it was that I was doing. My sister came back to the bedroom, crying. I had no idea my grandma had just talked to her. As she was crying, not saying anything, all I said was “Grandpa died” and she said yes through her tears. I always thought it was just lucky guesses that were amazingly accurate. I know now that it’s deeper than that. It’s much much deeper than that. I have always been very connected to the spirit world and wasn’t really aware of it until recently. Guess that’s why I never felt like I belonged here.
Well, that’s about it for today’s episode of “T’s Crazy Life”. Join me again tomorrow where I will post the second chapter from my not yet and probably never will be, written book. Thanks for reading.